Romance and Destiny

While singing for 3,600 people in Singapore, my comedy bit about the Top 10 Whiny Victim Love Songs went over like, well, day-old oatmeal. A smattering of laughs, but nothing like the response I get here in the Land of Dr. Phil and Oprah.

I was puzzled. Don’t they have love songs in Singapore? Did I sing too fast? Maybe they found out I smuggled chewing gum into the country. (You can’t even buy gum in Singapore. It’s a fanatically clean place. I’m not sure what the penalty is for chewing in public, but I hear some people are never seen again…)

As I was contemplating this, wisdom appeared in the form of an expat yankee who lives in Taiwan and is married to a local woman. He revealed the secret of enlightenment, at least in his opinion.

The Chinese and some other nearby Asians, he explained, don’t think about romance the same way westerners do. They take destiny very seriously. So if they feel “I had to give up a great love for my career” or “I gave up the love of my life for my family duty,” they consider themselves a victim of fate. They believe they’re entitled to wallow in whiny victim love songs. To them, that’s reality.

I flashed back to our first group trip to China. Our guide was a well educated, highly intelligent Beijing native who had traveled much of the world. We all liked him and he was a great guide. One day he told me with utmost sincerity that your fate is written in your palm and you can’t change it. I playfully argued about this with him for some time (partly because I thought he was kidding), but he wouldn’t budge.

Then it occurred to me that if you’re the product of a 6,000 year old culture which has always been under the thumb of some warlord, emperor, or dictator, you well might feel that landing on “Lose your Turn” in the cosmic “Wheel of Fortune” is a real possibility. On the other hand, if you come from a young country founded on the principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of material goods, you’re more likely to believe you can go for the gusto, find your soulmate, and live happily ever after. (Or if you’re really shrewd, start an internet dating service.)

But with love, it’s never quite so simple. Even in the US, when it comes to romance, there’s an underlying belief in fate. I talk to people all the time who feel like they just stumbled into love when they weren’t looking for it. Love just landed on them like bird poop on the tomato patch. It was destiny.

I also talk to people who believe they can manifest a great relationship by focusing on attracting it, but a few years later I see them again and it still hasn’t happened. Some of them are starting to waver. “Maybe it’s not my karma,” they concede. (Full disclosure: I’ve thought this myself.)

What’s the answer? I’m not smart enough to know, but I know that the yearning for love is a driving force more powerful than even the desire for espresso and ice cream. This is why whiny victim love songs get written in the first place.*

*These are not necessarily sad songs, per se. They are songs that literally ASK for pain in exchange for love. They come from an island of longing and despair that no one should inhabit. Except maybe Phil Spector. Songs like “I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like You Were Here.” Or “If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?” Or “He Hit Me, And It Felt Like A Kiss.” Or “I Still Hold Her Body, But I Think I’ve Lost Her Mind.”

(You can download the The New Top 10 Whiny Victim Love Songs for free at the bottom of this page.)

© 2008 Greg Tamblyn