Jun

Your Personal Economic Prescription

Posted by admin under YOUR

Yesterday I met a guy who’s hoarding gasoline because it’s doing better than the stock market. Except for the potential explosion in his basement, why not? You know the dollar’s in trouble when people from Europe are flying to New York to shop for bargains.

These are the times that try men’s souls. (Who said that? Dickens? Churchill? Paine?) Five dollar lattes are getting harder and harder to justify. Those $100 Springsteen tickets don’t seem as enticing as before. Maybe a new laptop won’t really make you $2,000 happier. That 25 million yacht seems less attractive than, say, the one for 20 million. It’s a problem.

I have the solution. Take a nap.

Get some rest and start fresh. My new wellness program can be summed up in one word: Siesta. As JoJo Jensen (Dirt Farmer Wisdom) said, “Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds.”

Or as someone else put it, “There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock.”

Just because you’re not asleep doesn’t mean you’re awake. This becomes freakingly obvious when operating heavy machinery. If you’ve ever nodded off at the wheel and woken up still alive but in the lane of oncoming traffic, you know what being truly awake feels like.

Well, sort of. That hyper-adrenaline state (like from caffeine or the new version of Grand Theft Auto) is not really nirvana. It just seems like it, until the old adrenals stage a rebellion and refuse to play anymore. “Hey! There’s no saber-toothed tiger chasing you! We’re not falling for this crap again.”

So take the cure! First, invest all of your money in sleep stocks: mattress companies, linen makers, goose farmers, sleeping pill manufacturers, apnea surgi-centers, meditation music labels, sleep disorder clinics, Victoria’s Secret and Fredericks of Hollywood (sex helps sleep, especially for men). Then, once fully invested, do a Rip Van Winkle.

When you wake up, fully rested for the first time in God knows how long, your body has changed, and your state of mind has come along for the ride. You realize there are two kinds of things you shouldn’t worry about: things you can do something about, and things you can’t do anything about.

The pleasures of being horizontal now absurdify your previous frenetic activities, like going to the mall and buying stuff. For awhile, consciousness becomes that time between naps. It’s interesting how easily you get along without a lot of the stuff you thought you needed. Like reality shows and cable news.

The economy is what it is: a cycle. Like life. Like the seasons. Your sleep stocks have made you wealthy, and maybe you’ll buy something extravagant. Except you keep forgetting to. You’re too busy napping.

“Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.”
~Fran Lebowitz