Jul

Competitive Yoga! (Don’t hog the soy nuts)

Posted by admin under YOUR

NPR just did a piece on a new sport that its organizers hope one day to bring to the Olympics: competitive yoga.

Competitive Yoga? Of course! Yoga’s all about the ego, right? You wonder why nobody thought of it sooner. I can see it now. Grandstands full of blissful spectators chowing down on tofu dogs, carrot juice, and No-Doz. Cheerleaders in sexy leotards shouting mantras. Jane Fonda calling the action with color commentator Dalai “The Un-Judge” Lama. Aging tennis players, ice skaters, and pro wrestlers switching sports for new careers. Vegas loving it. Huge streams of new betting revenue. Celebrities involved. Hot new shows like “Yoga With The Stars” and “American Yoga Idol.” Kids and adults wearing the jersey of their favorite yogi. (Yogi Berra as spokesperson?)

Oh baby, this is only the beginning. A whole New World of Sports has evolved. Instead of the X-Games, these will be the ∞ Games. The mind reels at the possibilities…

The Prayer Put: You have to pray for the most people in 5 minutes. (The people have to actually feel it, strapped to polygraphs so we’ll know.)

The Meditation Marathon: Who can go deepest? (Up-to-the-millisecond electronic progress reports on the giant video scoreboard from EEG machines. Like radar guns in baseball.)

The Chanting Relay: Whole teams of monks from competing monasteries vying to out-tone the others. (In case of ties there’s a “Sudden Life Tone-Off.”)

The Levitation Jump: One for highest, one for longest. (With weight divisions, of course. Like in boxing. And you have to stay in the lotus position.)

The Healing Racewalk: Get an invalid off crutches and walking before your opponent. (Potential healed persons will have to be in possession of a valid handicapped parking permit. To prevent fraud.)

The Salvation Sprint: Save the most souls in 5 minutes. (Potential saved persons must be from Hindu, Islam, or Jewish faiths. Triple points for atheists.)

And the big finale: The Enlightenment Decathlon. Total score from all the competitions. (God judges this one personally.)

And of course, everybody gets a medal. Everybody wins. After all, it’s only fair.

I think there’s a good song idea here, so stay tuned. (Which reminds me of the hilarious Fred Bogert song, “I’m More Non-Judgmental Than You.”)