Feb

Don’t Mess With Pluto

Posted by admin under UP

Over two years after the downsizing of Pluto from planetary status, confusion and consternation continue to plague earthlings born after 1900. Which I’m assuming is everybody. This is not surprising if you know Pluto. A quick look at the history of this remote, peculiar ice ball suggests we might want to reconsider, if we know what’s good for us.

1930 - Pluto is discovered after years of searching for the mysterious Planet X*. Its wildly popular name is the brainstorm of an 11 year old girl in England who loves Roman mythology. (Pluto is the god of wealth and death, ruler of the underworld and things that come from down below. Like oil and radioactive elements.) Shortly thereafter, Mickey Mouse’s dog is named after our new planetary cousin, and generations of dog and cartoon lovers are delighted. Disney makes a fortune.

1979 - NASA engineers, being engineers and not sensitive to the feelings of planets, royally snub Pluto when Voyager I is re-routed from a proposed Pluto flyby to one of Saturn’s moons instead. Soon afterward the Ayatollah grabs power in Iran (when the Shah leaves on “vacation”), Three Mile Island nuclear plant melts down (plutonium), OPEC increases prices 50% (oil), California starts gas rationing, and the prime rate hits 15.5%. “The Dukes Of Hazzard” premiers.

1989 - Pluto crosses Neptune’s orbit to become the 8th planet, now much closer to earth than usual and still pissed off. Shortly thereafter, the Ayatollah offers a $5 million reward for the head of Salman Rushdie, Exxon spills oil all over Alaska’s coast, and an earthquake hits San Francisco just minutes before the World Series. “Baywatch” premiers.

1999 - The International Astronomical Union, based in France, defiantly stands up to rogue astronomers and declares that Pluto is, was, and always will be a full-fledged planet. Almost immediately Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he has no interest in nuclear weapons (”they’re so 20th century”), Bill Clinton is cleared of all impeachment charges, the Euro is launched successfully, the American Economy is at an all-time high, and a loving couple in Chicago named Barack and Michelle Obama give birth to a daughter. “The West Wing” premiers.

2001 - Despite the IAA’s support of Pluto, Hayden Planetarium astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson unceremoniously kicks Pluto out of the family, complaining, “It doesn’t dominate its orbit. It’s not with us. I think its axis is evil.” The next day, George W. Bush is inaugurated. “Fear Factor” premiers.

2006 - The International Astronomical Union, still based in France, surrenders to the opposition and demotes Pluto to a newly formed class of “Dwarf Planets,” dropping it from the pantheon of Gods to the realm of Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, and Gimli. In no time, Iran says it will return to nuclear “research,” one million people go on strike in France, Muslims riot over Danish cartoons, the White House announces a deficit increase, Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, the benefits of a low-fat diet are proved false, the FDA rejects the medical use of marijuana, and Sarah Palin is elected governor of Alaska.

Coincidence? I think not.

* (Interestingly, Pluto was discovered at the Percival Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff. Pluto’s discovery had been predicted by Lowell himself, because of an observed aberration in Neptune’s orbit. It turns out the observed aberration was not there at all, but was in fact a “mistake.” A mistake? You don’t know Pluto.)