How To Know When You Have An “Analog Brain In A Digital World” (Contest!)
My new CD Analog Brain In A Digital World is coming along as fast as I can hurry it up. We’re now finalizing songs and mixing. I hope to show you a contagiously clever cover cartoon in a week or so.
Meanwhile, as a public service, and for the illumination of your own personal self, I’m offering this guide, which is also a contest! To win an Analog Brain In A Digital World t-shirt, see the bottom of this post.
You have an Analog Brain if, when hearing these words for the first time, you assumed anything like the following:
- Napster: A guy sitting on a bench with his eyes closed
- Blog: When you’re fixing your drain and your brain tries to say “block” and “clog” at the same time
- Twitter: Adolescent’s response to a sexual innuendo
- Facebook: That thing they show victims on Law and Order
- Digital: Still using your fingers to count
- URL: “I am ill?” “I am not ill!”
- Microsoft: Really expensive bed sheets
- GPS: Groovy Psychedelic Substance
- Digg: How you feel about Jack Kerouac
- Surfing: A good way to get eaten by sharks
- Tech support: One of those newfangled, expensive hernia trusses
- PDA: Pretty dental assistant
- Skype: When somebody rips you off
- Google: Scoping out a hot woman or man without getting caught
- StumbleUpon: How Columbus discovered America
- MySpace: The cubicle they pay me to sit in for 8 hours M-F
For a chance to win an Analog Brain In A Digital World t-shirt, enter your own definition(s) of these or other digital terms in the comments box! No limits on the number of times a single term can be defined, or by how many people. Whichever one makes me smile the most wins the shirt. (After I receive them, in a month or so.) Your definitions must be original. No copying from somewhere else! 
Contest ends when the CD is released, which will be posted here.
(NOTE: I reserve the right to use your entries in future articles and promotions.)
© 2009 Greg Tamblyn, Motivational Humorist and tech-challenged person
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I. C. Chip on a Breadboard: Ice-chip (-s) on a bread-board!
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
URL - that slippery stuff we put in our cars
URL - the guy the Dixie Chicks say, “’s gotta die.”
More to come if/when I think of them
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
URL…LIL Abner’s girl?
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Megabyte: That bite of hamburger that your dad always said was too big.
Gigabyte: That bite of hamburger that your brother made shoot out your mouth.
Terabyte: Don’t date Tera, unless you’re into that sort of thing.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Bookmarks - Paper strips I use to find my page in a book
Tools - What I need to fix the faucet or hammer a nail.
File - The folder I stick my tax papers into so I can save them for seven years.
Fully charged - How I feel in the morning - IF I got to sleep at a decent hour last night.
Speakers - People making presentations to a group of other people.
Updates - The lastest info. about my friends and family.
Windows - What I look through while driving in my car.
Wireless - operates without pluging into a wall socket; i.e. usually uses 4 D batteries.
Media - TV or radio broadcasts. That’s all I could fit
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
SPAM = The stuff in the can you had to eat as a kid and your parents told ya it was good.
pixel = Tinker Bells little sister
mail box = the thing the postman puts the mail in
storage = garage duh isn’t that where everyone puts theirs
MySpace = my room so get out
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Text: the lazyman’s way to communicate with the universe.
Facebook: another way to become popular without evening knowing it.
Junk Mail: basically it is like junk food but junk “stuff” for the computer
SPAM: Stubborn, purposeless, artificial, madness
subscriber: something to good read
unsubscriber: something bad to read
comment: being bored and have nothing better to do
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Hard Drive: A road trip with my Dad
SuperMulti Drive: A road trip with my Dad and Mother
Compact Flash: A “little person” flasher
Expansion Bay: Someplace in Vermont
CD-Writer: Someone using a pen name
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Thanks for all the fun Greg. We miss you in Beaumont.
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Hard drive—when your power steering goes out
Software—clothing for the beach (or the bedroom!)
Dvds—what you get when you go home with someone you shouldn’t have gone home with (these aren’t supposed to be rated G, are they?)
CDs—Yeah, but lookit dose!
Refresh—not learning your lesson and getting slapped in the face a second time
Blackberry—you don’t want to eat those
Spam—no ‘snot, ‘Sbarbara!
Mousepad—where all the cool rodents hang out
(btw, I happen to be a PDA ; )
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Maybe I can learn something here as I don’t even know a bunch of the things being defined.
computer is what you do with your fingers and toes when figuring what price is best when comparing grocery items.
laptop is where you rest your popcorn at the movies
bookmarks are the little pieces of paper you put in a book you are reading
empty the trash is what you do before taking the big can out to the curb
toast is the bread that you put your pb & j on
safari is what those dudes with money go on in africa to see the animals
photoshop is where you take film to be developed
I could go on but I am obviously way too old and need my rest
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Blackberry: A cheap wine I got drunk on in my 20’s
Skype: Something Uncle Larry caught and brought home for dinner - and Dad made us eat it!
Yahoo: something I shout when after hours of futzing,- I have fixed a minor glich on my computer.
Microsoft: what my couch is covered with and attracts a million cat and dog hairs.
My Space: Not something you want to be in after my lunch of baked beans and a BBQ sandwhich.
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Podcast - Casting call for the remake of Flipper.
iMac - Get your hands of my hamburger.
iPhone - Your three year olds response to phone company’s operator.
RAM - Action taken at NASCAR by angry driver.
MegaHertz - What Wally threatened to do to The Beaver.
GigaHertz - What Eddie threatened to do to The Beaver.
Printer - Someone who has poor penmanship.
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:22 am
Napster. n. An aging hipster.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:26 am
GigaHertz-tickling so hart it hurts
Podcast-Mork and Mindy’s show staff
Blackberry - those berries we picked that stained our hands and tongues of those thorny vines in NC
Yahoo - what “mama” used to call over the fence when she had gossip to share with the neighbor
URL - short hand for “you are lovely”
Scanning - looking over the room for Mr Right
Cartridge -something for the gun (not to hold ink)
Mac -short for the guy whos name begins with McSomthing
Memory Stick -what “daddy” punished us with so we wouldn’t forget the rules next time
Media Card, the funny guy on tv or radio
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
New product being jointly produced by YouTube, Twitter and FaceBook: “YouTwitFace”
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Live Streaming- Fly fishing
Networking- One who makes fishing nets.
Texting- A typesetter
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Disc Space - room enough to play frisbee
Speech recognition - when I can understand what you’re saying.
Explorer - a guy who searches for the source of the Amazon
Amazon - a big river in South America
Remote Connection - calling a loved one long distance
Password - a game show I used to watch with my Grandma
Excel - what parents hope their children do in school
Program updates - the weekly TV Guide
Cursor - some who uses bad language
Software - my comfy 10-year-old T-shirt with holes in it
Hardware - the stuff my dad keeps in his garage
Troubleshooting - what I would have with a gun if I wasn’t wearing my glasses
Toolbar - Beer joint where mechanics hang out
Security - the bouncer at the Toolbar
Battery Backup - having extra AA’s & 9-volts on hand
Control Panel - the part at the front of a girdle that keeps your belly from pooching out
Java - my morning brew
Hard Drive - the road to the top of Castle Crags
Megabyte - what my teenage son is always stuffing in his mouth
Network Connections - the high-powered movers & shakers you want to play golf with
Support - what you get from your family & friends when your spouse runs off with someone else
September 3rd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
USB Port - Where you dock a BIG Boat. LOL
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Universal Remote- What you experience when you tune in to SeeQ Radio. =)
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Search Engine - Looking for the dipstick
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Bluetooth: What happens when you venture to Antarctica with a smile revealing your capped incisors!
Sync: A digital metallic kitchen device that washes your dishes and those of your tech support guy in India simultaneously.
External hard drive: Riding a moped up Mt. Rainier.
i-tunes: What I do when my guitar sounds a little off.
Microsoft: Just a little bit less than hard.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:10 am
AOL - a nocturnal bird with large eyes
pop-up : Toast
Amazon.com - A website run by large women
eBay - The district around Oakland, Alameda & San Leandro
Upload - Putting stuff into the truck
Download - Taking stuff out of the truck
Chat Room - A coffeehouse
Microsoft - A very tiny throw pillow
Monitor - a guy checking hall passes
FireWire - a fuse
Scroll Bar - a tavern near the Dead Sea
Flash Drive - operating a vehicle while naked
Hard Drive - No power steering
Net Zero - Don’t fall off the trapeze
Modem - What I did to the lawns
DSL - an alternative to gasoline
Gigabyte - the food backstage at a concert
Megabyte - A Dagwood sandwich
GigaHertz - getting shocked by your amp or microphone
Terabyte - Eating dirt
Pixel - What a Wheel of Fortune contestant does sometimes
Drop Down Menu - What happens at restaurants with tiny tables
Webmaster - the biggest spider
Digital - What a beatnik might say to Mr. Yankovic
Analog - A word that follows, “I made the fire with kindling…”
Word Processor - a critical spouse
Spreadsheet - Making the bed
Power Point - a cattle prod
Database - Brent Spiner’s home
Browser - Any ruminant
Antivirus - Uncle Virus’s wife
Refresh rate - how often the waitress checks your table
BIOS - life stories
September 4th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Compact Disc - A painful spine injury.
CompactFlash - a small lighting device attached to a camera.
Flashcard - helps you learn your numbers
Media - someone from the TV or newspaper
Memory Stick - what’s going on when gramps can’t remember where he lives
Monitor - someone you don’t want to get caught in the hall by
Mouse - something you don’t want to catch in the hall
Yahoo - what you might yell if you catch a MOUSE in the hall when you were MONITORING it
Terabyte - what the MOUSE was doing to the cheese when it was caught
FAX - what the cop wants, just the FAX m’am.
Cell phone - what prisoners use to make their allotted call.
Escape - what prisoners hope to arrange when they make the call from the CELL PHONE
Dell - where you find green things and cows
Boot - what you walk in the DELL wearing, to avoid the cow patties.
Post - the support for the fence that keeps the cows in the DELL
Cartridge- what you load your gun with so when you walk to the DELL you can kill your dinner.
Twitter - the noise your dinner made before it tried to fly away and you shot it.
Tower - Conjures up England and Monty Python.
Canon - what you fired at the enemy in the tower.
F4 - Probably some type of military status code, like “missing a foot, cannot serve on the front line.”
Google - sound made by an infant or a loved one doting over an infant, or somone looking bug-eyed.
“I’ll copy you on that” - You like they way they are doing it so much you want to imitate them.
Blind Copy - trying to mimick someone the hard way
Follow the thread - Try to figure out where you messed up on that sewing project.
YouTube - Means you like to go inner-tubing down the local river, of course!
September 5th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Microsoft Word: Foreplay with Pillow Talk
September 13th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Hi Greg —
Gosh, this is fun! You have a lot of funny, perverse people who read your blog! I’ll add a few to the mix.
Picasa — when the doctor cleans your hemorrhoids
I-pod — asexual way of reproducing oneself
Feedburner — a new diet pill that helps you lose weight
Gmail — what a stripper wears for knightly endurance
Palm Pilot — a special designation for people who fly planes to Florida or Hawaii
Love it,
Pam
September 19th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Facebook - when your nonverbal response to your friend’s idiotic statement is “written all over your face”
October 19th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
…You wonder why the tray on your new computer isn’t big enough to play your records.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Modem - what we always did to our lawns during the Summer
October 19th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Online - Where the laundry’s hanging in the backyard
Micro-chip - Found in the bottom of a Pringles can
Mainframe - Holds up the roof
Laptop - Where I tell Santa my Christmas List
…and if the motherboard aint happy…
aint nobody happy.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:29 am
Card Reader - Person who make big money in Vegas.
Mainframe = what the bad guy is planning for his arch enemy.
Jump Drive = What a competitive Jump Roper has to have to win.
BlueTooth = Popsicle - eater;
I-Pod. The black plastic cup they made people with lazy eyes wear in elementary school for therapy.
Twitter = A more stupid person, brother of “Silly Twit”;
PC = politically correct popular crap.
Hard Drive Crash = What happens when mom tries to make a left hand turn in traffic.
Out of Memory - Dismissed that one from the brain altogether.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Picasa=a Mexican bathroom
Dell=where the farmer is
Out of memory=alzheimer’s disease
Napster=a bull taking a snoozeSPAM=poorman’s steak
Blackberry=bigger than a blueberry
Motherboard=Dad ain’t keeping her entertained
November 10th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Amazon: what your mama is worried you’re becoming