Jurassic Henhouse

Every once in awhile science validates those millions of funding dollars with a revelation which, while not immediately practical — like, say, a cure for the common colonoscopy — is nonetheless worth its endowment in mindless fantasy.

In case you missed it, “60 Minutes” recently aired a story about a couple of paleontologists who have blown the wings off contemporary scientific dogma by discovering a way to recover soft tissue from the bones of dinosaurs. This was supposed to be more impossible than getting Republicans and Democrats to agree on health care reform. In addition, they’ve actually uncovered the first T-Rex nests, and even cracked open the eggs. (Reportedly, subsequent efforts to make the first dinosaur omelet met with mixed success. It was described as “kind of chewy, and better with Tabasco.”)

More spectacular by far is they seem certain that within five years we’ll be able to switch off the “bird” genes of a chicken, activate the older “dinosaur” genes, and produce a “dino-chicken.” It will be like a mini T-Rex, with teeth, a long tail, and scary little arms instead of wings.

Personally, I can’t wait. Will they be cute little critters? Or savage little Chucky’s of the chicken world? If so, you know it’s only a matter of time before someone leaves the lab door open and they’re unleashed on the countryside. In terms of lifestyle change, this could be right up there with Snuggies. The mind reels with possibilities:

• Colonel Sanders in a pith helmet and safari jacket: “Finger lickin’ dino-chicken!”
• Helpless farm animals devoured by sly, predator chickens who lure them into the hen house with decoy “peeps.”
• Halliburton, subsidized by the US Department of Agriculture, makes a fortune selling body armor to farmers.
• Free-range chickens? Only in your nightmares.
• The animated sequel to “Chicken Run” is bloody. Very bloody.
• Why did the chicken cross the road? To eat your cow.
• Breeders of guard-chickens: “Cheaper than Dobermans!”
• Trained squads of the little monsters unleashed on the Taliban by the Pentagon.
• No more chicken insults. “Did you see Corporal Yankovic single-handedly take out that Al Qaeda nest? He’s a total chicken!”
• “The Chicken Whisperer” becomes a smash hit on TV, until the unfortunate host loses some appendages.
• China adopts the Dino-Chicken as its national symbol. (Shortly afterward, during a display of National Pride, the National Symbol gets loose and attacks an underage olympic gymnast during her floor exercise.)
• What came first, the chicken or the egg? Only Monsanto knows for sure.
• Chicken hunting season becomes a state holiday in all U.S. southern states.
• Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin, sponsored by the NRA, take ceremonial first shots at a flock of the little raptors. Dick accidentally shoots Sarah in the tush, but doesn’t have time to get off another round. He is attacked and, well….I’m sure you can guess the rest.

© 2010 Greg Tamblyn