My High-Maintenance House Bitch

I have a new roommate. A street dog. She showed up a couple of months ago, unannounced, and decided not to leave. (Like many of my former girlfriends.) She’s cute, exotic looking, and since that’s all I require, I was instantly smitten. Me being a convenient and easy source of food, so was she.

Almost everyone remarks what a pretty dog she is. Strangers even stop their cars to tell me this, followed by “Hey, what kind of dog IS that?” I tell ‘em she’s half fox, half dingo, because that’s what she looks like. Amazingly, some people actually believe me. Even though to my knowledge (and correct me if I’m wrong) that’s genetically impossible.

The fox/dingo thing is also appropriate because, being young and a street dog, she’s part wild animal. (Like many of my former girlfriends.)

I named her Houdini — Dini for short — for obvious reasons. Our first day together she got out of a locked dog crate. After the second time, I gave up and junked the crate. She also climbed out of a chain-link fenced yard and a wrought-iron fenced patio. (Video below.) She’s escaped my car on multiple occasions when I forget that she can squeeze through window openings one-third her size. Puppies, I’ve decided, are composed of play-dough and rubber.

Which brings up one of our favorite games: Rubber Dog. She loves it when I bend her into creatively un-dog-like pretzel shapes, like some cartoon animal. (Possibly because this makes it easier to lick her privates or chew her tail.) She’s a canine yogi.

When she escapes, it’s purely on her own terms. She responds to my calls with a flat-out sprint in the opposite direction. “Come. Come Here! Now! Come Here Now Or Don’t Come Back!” Fortunately she always does come back, but only when she’s ready. (Like many of my former girlfriends.) I’ve decided her doggie name for me is something like Meal Ticket, and she’s smart. She doesn’t want to get too far from the grub.

Her one truly annoying habit is her choice of perfume. She goes gaga over every opportunity to roll around in dead animal matter. Since I’m the Meal Ticket and don’t respond well to Eau de Carcasse, I retaliate with her least favorite experience, a hose shampoo. Because of her intense resistance, it’s always a mutual cleansing.

As with all young dogs, she needs a lot of attention, preferring hard physical play combined with biting. (Like many of my former girlfriends.) Sometimes this can be fun, but other times I wind up looking like Marv Albert’s back. All of which is why I lovingly refer to her as my high-maintenance house bitch.

On the plus side, however, she gets me off my computer and out of the house three times a day for extended excursions. These are not casual walks. On several occasions we’ve shattered Olympic records for racewalking.

She’s also good for frequent, though unintentional, comic relief. She likes to nap on the couch in weird positions, and moves around a lot in her sleep. Every once in awhile I’ll hear a loud thump, and notice that she’s rolled off the couch in her slumber and landed on the wood floor. (Only a few of my former girlfriends ever did this.) Even though this wakes her up, she just lies there and doesn’t move. Perhaps she’s embarrassed, and hopes I won’t notice.

Another bonus is that after 16 years of living here I’ve finally gotten to know all my neighbors. Or at least the ones with dogs. This is because any other dog within eyesight (or smelling distance — approximately seven miles) is an immediate target for Play! in the form of a full body slam at 30 miles per hour. A few of my stuffier neighbors have resented this, but most of their animals seem to actually like it. I think it’s her winning personality. And possibly that perfume.

Lest you think I’m being too lenient, I do let her know who’s boss. All young dogs must be firmly disciplined to instill good behavior, so I have her on a strict training regimen. I refuse to let her hog the bed. She has to stay on her side.

© 2010 Greg Tamblyn

Here’s the video of Dini climbing to freedom (takes a second to load)….look just to the left of the stone pillar….notice her little tail wagging once she’s out…

Video: Dini escapes