Rabbit Between My Legs
My dog, Dini, is the Rabbit Sheriff of the Neighborhood. She loves this job more than Homer Simpson loves doughnuts and beer. It’s like ecstasy in motion. All-consuming passion. With a focus that ordinary, easily distracted, multitasking mortals like myself can only envy. Sometimes in mid-chase she gets so excited she emits little yips of delight. I’ve often wondered if there is anything in life that makes me that happy.
Because of her intense pleasure in this pursuit, we’ve worked out an agreement. She can be off leash, but she has to pretty much stay within sight, and to come when I call. She can run freely through the neighbors’ yards, the park and woods, but when we’ve done our two or three miles and the Master says it’s time to go home, we go. This gives us both the illusion of control.
We did not come to this compromise quickly. She was a stray street dog when she came to live with me, so she was used to a certain amount of freedom. Make that: total independence. To her, I was mainly a source of easy food and occasional amusement.
Walks on a leash were a test of wills and strength, plus near strangulation for her. Especially if there was a small, furry rodent anywhere in the local area code or time zone. When she escaped, which happened often (thus her full name: Houdini), she would take hours to come back.
So she was a handful, not to mention a nightmare for dog-sitters. That is, until I discovered the greatest technological invention in the history of the planet: The Shock Collar. (Also known as the Remote Trainer.)
Now before you send PETA and various law-enforcement agencies to clap me in handcuffs, let me assure you the shock collar does no harm. It simply gives the dog a little buzz, like static electricity, and interrupts their pattern. The shock collar is around the doggie’s neck, and you control it with a remote. If the dog does anything you don’t like, such as digging up your neighbor’s azaleas, chewing your Gucci shoe collection, or driving your car without a license, you simply say, “No!” If that doesn’t work, you hit the button. Buzz administered, pattern interrupted, behavior changed. It’s like magic.
Two 15-minute sessions with this device and presto, new dog. I never even have to use it any more. She does what I tell her and that’s that.
It used to be that when she’d get loose and disappear for hours – or when she’d run the other way when I called – I’d think, If only I could move at the speed of light, she’d realize that escape is futile. Well, with a shock collar, I can now move at the speed of light. Escape IS futile.
So my neighbors are cool with her hunting escapades, because they know she’s not a threat to them or their shrubberies. Also because we have no shortage of garden-destroying rabbits and squirrels grinding everybody’s gardens into cole slaw. (Squirrels, however – according to my dog – cheat. They climb trees. Then they sit up there and taunt her with that stupid squirrel chatter, like the idiots they are.)
So rabbits are by far the preferred prey. And on the rare occasions when she actually catches one, good eating. For her, I mean. Although if the Mayans are right and the world goes to hell, I’m pretty sure she could feed us both.
But all this is merely background for what happened recently. Dini and I were out on patrol. It was twilight, a glorious summer evening, fragrant and mellow. We ambled through the park near the woods, and – as guys in the great outdoors have been doing for as long as there have been guys in the great outdoors – I felt the urge to relieve myself.
Having ascertained the absence of voyeurs in the vicinity, I straddled a patch of God’s green earth and unzipped. I was answering the call of nature, when Dini sniffed a healthy-sized hare about 30 feet away and flushed it out of the brush. Before I could blink or even react, they came careening toward me like Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote on rocket sleds. What flashed through my mind in that split second was an image of me somehow trying to dodge them both while still in mid-flow, and I was concerned about how that might turn out.
But before I could process any of this, the rabbit ran right between my legs at full steam, while I was in full stream. Fortunately for some parts of me that I value, the rodent stayed low to the ground, and Dini, being of slightly higher intelligence, went around.
A few seconds later the rabbit escaped through a hole in a fence, and the Sheriff trotted back to me, tail wagging, proud of herself for having run another outlaw out of town. If she meets that little varmint again, I’m quite sure she’ll recognize it from the distinctive fragrance on its back.
But I can’t help wondering: having acquired such a unique scent, what are the social consequences for this rabbit? Will it have a harder time finding a date this weekend?
Anyway, the main thing is I now feel like I’m probably one of the few guys in the long history of hunter-gatherers who has actually marked a rabbit racing at full throttle.
© 2012 Greg Tamblyn
August 25th, 2012 at 6:18 pm
OMG you KILL me!!!!
So first I was going to respond to the funny quips that was the blog post until I saw the little phrase in blue right under the comment box….Rabbit between My Legs….hmmmmm… I said and my OCD behavior took over and I clicked very fast on that link. So ….now I have laughed my way through this, hearing your voice tell the story (which is even funnier).
YOU funny guy! (fungi) Love you!
August 25th, 2012 at 8:19 pm
The best laugh of my day. Thanks. If the PETA people were going to look into something it would be the fact that my husband dislikes (understated) squirrels to the point that he has electrified the bird feeder poles, thus keeping the bird feed for the birds and squirrel feed for the squirrels!!!! They sit on an old metal watering can in the area staring at the electric fencing wire plotting how to get to the bird seed without touching the pole!!!! I have to admit it’s pretty funny, only made funnier by the fact that my husband and I talk for them as they plot their takeover of the feeders!!! OK, who’s crazy now????
August 26th, 2012 at 4:09 am
I love it also , a slice of life. Pongo, with leg raised, while in full stream, will leave a pile simutaniously. Most always on a rock or a low shrub, somtimes in a nest of tall grass. Now i didn’t teach him this, but these works of art bust be left to amuse thoes who can appreciate what he is so proud of. The creation out of all that he Loves to eat.
August 28th, 2012 at 9:00 pm
My cat loves to stalk squirrels … but he HATES getting scolded by them. He’ll slink back to the house as soon the game is up, desperate to get inside and get away from the squirrel tirade.
Of course, he hasn’t stopped stalking them yet! He’ll dish out the heat, but he just can’t take it.
October 8th, 2012 at 8:27 am
What a hoot so glad you documented this for future hunter and gatherers.
October 8th, 2012 at 8:46 am
Thanks Marcy. Yes, it’s part of my legacy. We all want to be the first at something.
October 9th, 2012 at 7:57 pm
I read your story before, but it only just occurred to me after your email, that I possibly can top this story. A few years ago – actually I think it was in the ’70s!- I took a trip to Lion Country Safari here in West Palm Beach with my brother and a friend. The friend is very thrifty – really cheap! – so when we went in he laid down in the back seat and we put lawn chairs over him so he wouldn’t have to pay. Anyhow, we drove around for an hour or so looking at the wild animals, then went to the part where you can walk around and see the baby animals. We were standing in front of a cage of larger lion cubs and I was looking at something else. All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw everyone running! It was too late for me to go anywhere, and when I looked up the lion was peeing from the cage down, right on my arm! Not a trickle, but like a fire hose! Everyone was hysterical laughing, and of course I only had a little tissue to wipe off my arm! Does that beat your story? Close, maybe! <3
October 9th, 2012 at 8:37 pm
At your age (and mine) it’s getting more difficult to get things going. Can’t let a little “hare of the dog” interrupt it.
Sorry. I’m truly sorry.
October 9th, 2012 at 8:39 pm
This isn’t about your funny story, though yes it is exceptionally funny and written with the skill that only you, a true humorist, can bring to the party, Greg. My comment is about the SportsDog 150 training collar. It changed the lives of me and my prey-driven Brittney/GSH boy. I was afraid I was going to have to take him back to the street he wandered off of, what with 70 lbs. of on leash lurching/leaping at squirrel/rabbit/whatever. I’m too long in the tooth for those kinds of shenanigans. The shock collar was recommended by two separate animal-lover- rescuers, whom I trust. Usually he doesn’t need more than the warning beep to break his focus. My son and I threaten him–”if you don’t behave you’re going to get a good beeping.” Shock collars are a godsend.
October 9th, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Lynne – I love this. You’re the first other person I’ve talked to or heard from in the shock collar club. Great to know it’s working for you.
Have you tried it on your son yet?
Hahahaha…
October 9th, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Jeff – that was FUNNY! Thanks!
October 9th, 2012 at 9:00 pm
Par Barnes – I think you TOPPED me! Of course, we’d need to have video documentation and a panel of judges to be certain, but that’s an amazing anecdote. First prize.
October 9th, 2012 at 10:27 pm
The only consequences that I can forsee is that it will have to get itself painted blk and white and be taken to be a skunk or arrested by the sheriff for dressing in drag.
October 9th, 2012 at 10:39 pm
Good one Joe! Funny.
October 9th, 2012 at 11:15 pm
Wow…Talk about a bad hare day!
Chance of peecipitation ..100%
They now call that poor rabbit…”Hare Pee LaPew”
Was there a rainbow?
Thank you Greg for sharing!! That was hilarious!! =D
October 10th, 2012 at 8:27 am
You’re storytelling skills are not in decline, Greg!
October 10th, 2012 at 9:32 am
Although a funny story, use and promotion of the dog shock collar is a big disappointment.
You probably know how long it takes to change human behaviour, so why would your dog change behaviour with just two 15 minute sessions?
The only reason is that what for you appears to be just a little buzz is clearly so highly unpleasant for the dog that he changes whatever he is doing.
Whatever the sales people told you that sold you the thing (little buzz and similar bla, bla) is clearly nonsense because unless there is EXTREME discomfort no dog, like no human, would change its behaviour for just twice 15 minute buzzing.
And if you now want to classify as member of PETA brigade then that is fine. But at least do not fool yourself and your audience that behaviour can be changed so simply.
Just to get some of the details right, a hare is a different animal from a rabbit and neither of them are classified as rodents but are members of the lagomorpha order.
October 10th, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Oh my god, that is by far your funniest story yet… and that is saying something! You do have some interesting adventures!
October 10th, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Great story! Could so relate to the dog that would take off. We inherited a mostly Cairn terrier who became an apartment dog after being found at local shelter where they named him Gonzo. Walking him on a leash on the roadside he pulled to chase after ever car, wanted to attack lawnmowers, cars, chainsaws, vacuums, the rope pull on the boat motor, etc….and a rodent squeak did (and still does) get him on its case. The shock collar helped change behavior to make him and others safer. He no longer runs at cars, even the ones that come into our driveway and no longer takes a running leap into the UPS truck as it is moving…rather disconcerting for the driver! He is better at coming when called….but living in the country, he does have his territory and rodents beware…and forget calling him in that chase….it is his nature. But now we can take him on walks and he stays with us unleashed and he is not a hazard to himself and others in our country road driveway! The shock collar does help to make a better behaved dog…and you don’t need to use it much if it is a smart dog and trainer, they get the program quickly.
October 10th, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Fionna, thanks for your feedback. I know you as an intelligent, thoughtful person. But you made some assumptions and correlations that are incorrect.
To clarify:
- I only became aware of the Remote Trainer because two separate professional dog trainers who use it in their training recommended it to me personally.
- I tested it on myself before I used it on my dog. As I said in the article, the buzz is like static electricity: unpleasant but not painful.
- Why would you compare human behavior to dog behavior? Dogs operate at a much higher level of instinct and impulse than humans. (Well, most humans, anyway.)
- Hare vs Rabbit: I know they’re different, but in humor writing aren’t we allowed a little leeway for effect?
I truly appreciate your concern for the well-being of animals, but it seems to me you’re reacting to something you have no experience with.
My dog is a very happy dog now. She gets to chase rabbits all she wants, and a couple of times a year she even manages to catch one. Dogs that have some freedom and get to run and play are much happier, better adjusted dogs than ones who never have any freedom, and are confined to a small yard and/or a leash.
The Remote Trainer (shock collar, buzz collar) has been a godsend for both me and my dog.
Thanks for reading.
October 10th, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Barbara, thanks for the great story. Good to know how well it worked with your Cairnie!
October 10th, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Thank you Susan! Glad you had a chuckle.
October 10th, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Thanks Chris. I keep trying…
October 10th, 2012 at 2:36 pm
M.C. – very funny, darlin’. You’re clever as ever!
October 10th, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Thanks for the quick reply. I certainly do not want to make your blog a platform but just to clarify, you may not remember but I work with dogs. I sterilise some 150 dogs every year and treat a similar number. So I have quite a lot of experience with how dogs experience pain. You ask why would you compare human behavior to dog behavior? I could ask you the same, sensory faculties of a dog are very different then those of humans. What may not be painful for you, can be very painful for them. As said I do not think this is the place to bang on about it. I always appreciated your humor and sensitivity which is why I was quite ‘shocked’ to see how casual the obvious pain of your dog was brushed off.
October 10th, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Fionna, thanks for your response to my reply, or vice versa.
You’re correct that I did not know (or remember) you work with dogs. I’m sure you have a tremendous sensitivity to them and what they feel. I appreciate that, and where you’re coming from. I too worked with pets for a time, in a vet clinic, and I had to assist in many induced deaths.
But you did not mention whether you have any experience with remote trainers. So I tend to assume you don’t.
As to your last sentence that my dog was in “obvious pain,” I can only say that I did not observe any “obvious pain.” Perhaps it’s true that she experienced a brief second of pain, but I did not and could not tell that she did.
I think you’re assuming that to change my dog’s behavior in such a short time, I must have inflicted some noticeable pain on her, but that’s simply not the case. She’s a very smart dog.
But to the much bigger point: even if it was painful for her (which I sincerely doubt), it was extremely brief, and nothing compared to the pain (for her) of being restricted. As I said, she’s a very happy dog. Freedom and security will do that.
Thanks again.