NEW CONTEST: “What Do You Do?”


One of the tools I teach in my LaughterJam Humor Workshop is an easy way to have more fun with people all day long: Try not to give a serious answer to any question that doesn’t require it.

Since few of us are quick enough to come up with funny quips in the heat or heart of the moment, it’s a good idea – and a lot of fun – to practice and prepare. Which really just means: playtime!

So how do we do that?

Well, there are certain questions we get asked all the time, like:

  • How are you?
  • Where are you from?
  • What do you do?
  • How much have you had to drink tonight and where is your toupee?

So if we can have just a few funny answers in our back pocket, ready to unleash, we can usually give ourselves and others a moment of fun, and frequently laughter.

Long-time readers might remember a contest we had years ago for answers to the question “How are you?” or “How ya doing?” We got a bunch of hilarious responses, and I’ve even used a few of ‘em in the above mentioned workshop.

How-You-Doin-My-Tattoos-min(1)So now I’d like to see what you come up with for “What do you do?” This is the kind of question we get asked at parties, PTA meetings, group therapy sessions, on airplanes, and in county holding cells. In other words, fairly often. And there’s very rarely a need to answer it seriously.

To have fun answering this, there are a couple of ways to go. One is to make up completely ridiculous replies from scratch, and the other is to do a comedic rewrite of what you actually do, or used to do, or how you spend your time now if you’re retired.

Examples of the former: What do you do?

  • Everything except exercise.
  • I sell elevators. But ones that only go up. No downers.
  • I’m a comedian for people with dementia. It’s great because I only have to know one joke.
  • [quietly mumble] I sell hearing aids.  [they ask] What?  [loudly] I SELL HEARING AIDS.

Examples of the latter, in this case things I, Greg, do: What do you do?

  • Laugh at myself.
  • I misbehave with people in public.
  • I’m a Musical Lafologist.  [What's that?]  I sing, play guitar, write songs, and try to be funny.
  • I’m a Deputy.  [What kind of deputy?]  My dog is the rabbit sheriff of the neighborhood and I’m the deputy.

So Here’s A Contest – With Prizes!

Big fun for everyone. Here are the rules:

  1. You can answer the question “What do you do?” as many times as you like for the next two weeks until July 4.
  2. Enter your answers (entries) in the Comment Box below. That way we can ALL see the entries, who entered them, and when. Fairness!
  3. Depending on how many we get, I’ll winnow them down to the top 20 or so. Then I’ll have a panel of funny people I trust weigh in and vote for their favorites.
  4. Please be original. Remember, I have a joke site, so I’ll probably know if your answer comes from somewhere other than your own personal cerebellum.


Winners 4 through 10:  a choice of one of my 6 CDs or my book, Atilla The Gate Agent.

Winners 1 through 3:  4 of my CDs, plus my book, plus an Analog Brain In A Digital World t-shirt (sizes L, XL, and XXL)

* If more than one person enters with the same or very similar answers, the first one to submit it is considered the entrant.

Okay!  Dive In.  Get Silly.  Give It A Shot. 

This is a chance to explore the humorous emanations of your own imagination, and see what kind of silliness is lurking in there. You never know what you’ll come up with until you give yourself permission to be playful.

I’ll announce the winners in the next newsletter (you can sign up here) and in a future blog post right here. The contest is for newsletter subscribers only, so you must be a subscriber to win.

NOTE: I might possibly use your answer(s) in future workshops and writings (giving you full credit if you desire), and your entry is your permission for me to do so.

NOTE: If you’ve never commented on this blog before, your entry will have to be approved by me before it shows up, but it will be in the queue and will be approved. Thanks for your patience!

© 2019 Greg Tamblyn

This entry was posted in UP and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to NEW CONTEST: “What Do You Do?”

  1. Christine Mitchell says:

    What do you do? The hokie-pokie. I turned myself around!

  2. Christie Lynch says:

    Every time one of my sons would ask their dad, “What are you doing?” when it was
    quite obvious he was watching TV, cleaning his golf clubs, cooking breakfast etc., his
    answer was always the same reply…”Mildewing”.

    So What do I do? I mildew!

  3. Christie Lynch says:

    What do I do? I fondue!

  4. I do everyone I can — and the easy ones twice.

  5. Jane (never plain) says:

    I do so many things, I wear a name tag upside down so I can remember who I am and what I’m doing ; no, yes seriously. Who is this again?

  6. Tom Hadley says:

    What do you do?
    1) I’m following my dream. My dream is to eat cheese until I die.
    2) Breathe, eat, walk, talk, sleep… you know, the usual human stuff.
    3) I stalk celebrities. It’s tough here in Kansas City.
    4) I live the 24-hour news cycle.
    5) I play with my grandson and pray his life will be as good as mine has been.
    6) I’m an assistant to a musical laffologist.

  7. What Do You Do? Whatever I want…until I get caught!

    What Do You Do? I post super duper happy pictures on social media while contemplating how bad my life really sucks…

    What Do You Do? I tell grouchy people to have a nice day, especially when it’s obvious they’ve already made other plans…

    What Do You Do? I confuse and embarrass Spanish speaking people.
    (How do you do that?) By clearly responding “mushy crotches” when they are expecting to hear “muchos gracias”…Then, when they say WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!, I explain that I’m learning Spanish and trying to say “thank you”….did I mispronounce something? (innocent straight face, while blinkly rapidly)

    What Do You Do? I am a ***HQSCP permission slip provider. (How does that work?) What have you been wanting to do but have been waiting for external permission? (Sometimes quite shocking answers come up) Then, I create a permission slip on the spot and hand it to the person! ***Highly Qualified Self Certified Professional

    What Do You Do? Expect and Receive Miracles Daily

    What Do You Do? Keep crazy people sane (alzheimer’s care provider)

  8. Ellen Swanson says:

    What do I dew? You name it: Kleenex’s, washcloths, underwear, toilet paper. I think you get the idea…

  9. Ellen Swanson says:

    What do I dew? Depends on the orifice involved: blow, wipe, sneeze, cough, lick, sweat, squint, swab.

  10. Bethany Hays says:

    What do I do?
    Try to go deaf and blind slower than my dog.
    Keep my kids and their kids from knowing which ones I love the best.
    Doctor whispering…it’s my new career and boy is it being well received!
    Wake up each morning. Same miracle. Different tasks. Still fun.
    Try to get through the Mueller Report.

  11. says:

    What do I do?
    I am a textile transfer technician. (I put away clothing at Target)

  12. celeste Terken says:

    Inside work, No Heavy Lifting

    I have nothing planned for today, I am right on schedule.

  13. Kathy Miller says:

    What do I do? I watch my thoughts. It’s a scary job but somebody has to do it.

    What do I do? I’m a string theorist … but I keep getting tied up in knots.

    What do I do? I’m an out-of-work composer. Guess I majored in the minors too long.

    What do I do? Nothing. No doer here. Or there.

  14. Philip P Worrall says:

    What do I do? As little as possible, until my wife finds out.

  15. I help everyone have a party and I’m always on the Cleanup Committee.
    I drive people crazy. It’s the only driving I’m allowed to do.
    I do windows, only the ones on my computer.

  16. Shira Nahari says:

    I enter contests with the foolish hope that one day I might actually win something.

    I spend sleepless nights thinking up ways to respond to telemarketers. So far my favorite actually comes from my daughter. It’s best used on the guy with the Indian accent claiming to be from some software company like Microsoft or Dell:
    “Oh, hello! I am so glad you called….how may we scam you today?”
    Usual reactions: Bang down, silence, and occasional unprintable expletives.

    I do doggy doo-doo. The neighbors’ pooches confuse my lawn with a poop-place. Speaking of which– when I lived in New Orleans the guy next door in the French Quarter hung a toilet seat on the wall of this patio with a sign,”Louis Pooptiere.”

  17. Derek Dube says:

    This actually happened at a networking group I attended:

    them: What do you do?
    me: I am a Wedding Officiant.
    them: What is that?
    me: I marry people
    them: How many people have you married?
    me: Almost 300 in the past 20 years
    them: WOW! Are you in the Guinness Book of World Records?
    me: Actually, I’m the one who asks them to say, “I Do”
    them: Oh, sorry, I thought you actually got married to them.

  18. mary says:

    What do I doI pretend I’m the boss of me……..but the cat knows better.

  19. Janet B says:

    What do I do?

    I take doctor words and turn them into numbers. (Medical coder)

    I try to guess what song my bandleader is singing next

    I make messes for my husband to complain about (he loves to complain…)

    I give candy to naughty adults (Yes, really!)

    I tie balloons into dachshunds… so you can git a long little doggie

    I feed my snuggling addiction

    I take the good ship Sue Baroo garage sailing… you should see my plunder!!

  20. Melinda Thomas says:

    “What do you do?”

    ~Whatever I can get away with.
    ~I draw. What do I draw? Breath. My own confusions. Blanks – lots of blanks.
    ~I wake myself up in the middle of the night with the perfect comeback to someone’s snotty Internet post. It’s quite frustrating, actually.
    ~I’m currently employed as a caretaker to a good-hearted Labrador Retriever and a tabby cat who has no concern about my feelings and stares at me with disdain.

  21. Clark Jamison says:

    What do I do? I make music by hitting things. . . (I’m a percussionist).
    My friend Geeta Tiwari, who hales from New Delhi, describes me this way:
    “Put anything in front of him, and he’ll bang it!”

    To pay the bills, I drive a school bus, which means that all my problems are behind me.

  22. David Whitney says:

    Most days when I’m not herding cats, I’m the clown with the shovel in the rodeo parade.

  23. Renelle West says:

    What do I do? I wander around glancing in mirrors to see if the hollow-eyed old crone with long gauzy white hair is still haunting my apartment.

  24. Clark Jamison says:

    Sometimes I ponder the importance of “BE-ing” over “DO-ing”, and vice-versa:
    (“To be is to do?”. . .”To do is to be?). Sometimes I contemplate all of this under the influence of a doobie. . . Sometimes I just scat-sing like Sinatra. . .
    That’s what I do be do be do. . .
    . . . And sometimes, as The Police sing, “De do do do, de da da da”
    Is all I want to say to you. . .

  25. Jim Downer says:

    What do I do? I try to get in touch with my feminine side…unfortunately, it left town and didn’t leave a forwarding address.

    What do I do? I negotiate deals between my right brain and my left brain…but my right brain keeps trying to build a wall and wants my left brain to pay for it.

  26. Jim Downer says:

    What do I do? I answer the phone for Procrastinators Anonymous “Procrastinators Anonymous, can you hold please?”

  27. Marc Duffy says:

    What do I do? I’m done.

  28. Debra J Hart says:

    What do you do? ( I have had to say all of these)
    A: It would take a long time to list. What do you need me to be right now?
    A: Aim everyday to stay out of Jail. Q; Have you been to jail? A; no, and I like to keep it that way.
    A; I am a minister, a clown and a nurse. Yes, I know I walked into a bar
    A; I am a clown. Q A real clown? A Yes. And I know I taste funny to cannibals
    A: I am a minister Q But you’re’ Jewish! A; Really?????
    A : I am a clown Q: Can you say something funny? A: Something Funny
    A; I take my meds daily, and you?
    A: I get out of bed and its a great day, and you?

  29. Dana Allen says:

    “What do you do?”
    I sit around Least expecting it!
    “How you Do’in?
    Doin what?

    Love Dana

  30. Judith Driscoll says:

    I exercise a lot by doing Diddly Squats

  31. Judith Driscoll says:

    I’m Beautiful and Humble, tough at the same time but I manage.

  32. Judith Driscoll says:

    I’m an actress but I keep falling through the floor….It’s a Stage I’m going thru.

  33. Judith Driscoll says:

    I’m a professional gambler but not in the jungle…too many Cheetahs!

  34. Tosha Sisler says:

    I turn oxygen into carbon dioxide.

    I communicate in words and gestures.

  35. The hokey pokey…because that’s what it’s all about!

  36. Oops. Just read all the posts and saw that somebody already gave this answer. I guess great people do the same thing!

  37. Beth Potts says:

    Just Doing What I Do????

  38. stan says:

    * I count the holes at the donut shop.

    * Not much. I’m too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.

    * I’m a telemarketer. Congratulations! You’ve just won a three day adventure cruise to the Bahamas. And all you have to do to claim your prize is cover the small docking and boarding fees and taxes. And if you claim your special gift right now you can upgrade to a seven day cruise to Cancun, Cozumel, and Baja for only $99 additional with the purchase of an unlimited drink card. Oh boy, are you going to have fun! And did I mention you can join our See the World Cruise Club and travel for the unheard of discount price of only $25 per day. Restrictions and black-out days apply. Just imagine… unlimited travel for the unheard of price of only $25 per day. Did I mention your cost is only $25 per day. Will you be putting this on your Visa, MasterCard, or American Express?

    * I sell stray cats to the man at the Vietnamese restaurant. He finds good homes for them. Nice man.

    * I give cheap investment advice to people who don’t know any better.

    * I stand at stoplights with a cardboard sign. (with scowl on face) I think you drove right past me last week.

    * I read your emails. But that’s just for fun. My real work is selling internet security software. Would you like to buy some?

    * You know how eggs come in different sizes? I’m the guy that teaches the chickens how to do that.

    * I teach people to sing through their nose. Want to give it a try?

    * I test toilet paper. Want to see how?

    the inspiration for this last one comes from visiting the men’s room at a local cafe. The owner’s husband (cheap) bought ultra-thin toilet paper vs the usual thick stuff. I stopped at the counter afterwards to share my thoughts with Sophie, the owner.

    You know, that thin toilet paper really gives a new, DEEPER meaning to the phrase “Getting more in touch with yourself.”

    After the howls of laughter finally subsided, Sophie assured me they’d be switching back to the fluffy stuff.

    Ain’t toilet humor grand? There’s always a little bit more you can squeeeeze out of a story. Feel free to use or misuse my story Greg. Maybe write a song on being cheap. Gotta be a wealth of material on the topic.

  39. Jinny Fahey says:

    July 4th has come & gone. Jokes are forever!
    I read all the jokes. As a self-appointed Joke Judge, I award Jim Downer 1st place; I had a belly laugh. Tied for 2nd are Debra J Hart & Judith Driscoll; I chuckled out loud. Everyone else tied for 3rd place…lots of laughs, smiles, chuckles, and wonder at all the creativity.
    BTW, what do I do? I cheer everyone on to be the best they are.
    What do I Really do? I am raising a pet rooster named Rustie O’Roostie. We both have Irish roots. He has a brother, Rosie (Roosevelt) Greer Roostie who is quite the footballer & knits in his spare time. Their sister is Raquel O’Roostie who models & acts.
    Aren’t you glad you asked?
    XO Jinny

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>